


Hanged Deluded Dove

by KelpietheThundergod



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean-Centric, Episode: s13e21 Beat the Devil, Gen, Warning for Dean's bad headspace, episode coda, selective mutism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 16:41:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14573175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KelpietheThundergod/pseuds/KelpietheThundergod
Summary: When this happens, when his words go away, it gets really loud inside his head. It's always loud, then, it never really stops. There is no forgetting. It stays on endless replay, even when he can't take it anymore. Especially when he can't take it anymore.The girl says something to him. It doesn't really register.Cas puts a hand on his shoulder, heavy. Tries to catch to his eyes. Dean almost crumbles. He ducks away, keeps walking.





	Hanged Deluded Dove

 

 

 

_pitter-patter on the roof_

_there was in your breast_

_so soft a beating heart_

 

_oh poor hanged_

_deluded dove_

 

 

 

 

 

There's sick stuck in his throat. A burn behind his eyes, but they're dry. He's walking. Weapon at the ready, he—

_Dean!_

When this happens, when his words go away, it gets really loud inside his head. It's always loud, then, it never really stops. There is no forgetting. It stays on endless replay, even when he can't take it anymore. Especially when he can't take it anymore.

The girl says something to him. It doesn't really register.

Cas puts a hand on his shoulder, heavy. Tries to catch to his eyes. Dean almost crumbles. He ducks away, keeps walking. Eyes low. He can't. He'll cry. He'll _cry_ , and he's got to...he's got to...

_Dean!_

He's got to finish this, and then...and then come back later. Dean hopes, pathetically, that someone will come with him. Will come with, even though it's stupid, _weak_ , this need to go back and get what's left of—what's left. If he goes alone, he's not sure—he's not sure.

_Dean!_

He walks, he keeps walking.

>

Dean hugs his Mom, even though he doesn't deserve it. She holds him like she can't believe he's real. Or like he's fragile. Which wouldn't be wrong. Dean breaks under pressure; fast, easy. Again and again. He can't believe he let her down, let Sam down. He can't even admit it out loud. When he opens his mouth, what happens instead of words is that he cries.

He wishes it had been him. He wants to tell his Mom, but now there's not even sick in his throat, it's just empty.

Everything is wrong. Sam should be in this place, in his mother's arms. Would be, if Dean'd done his job right. If he was strong, like Sam, or like Cas, and not just acting the part. Acting it poorly. He's crying, and his Mom has stopped smiling at him and he can't even tell her he's sorry. Can't even give her that. Always taking, instead.

They walk to the camp. Dean wants to sink into the ground. The gun in his hands feels like a sick, cruel joke. Toy soldier, but not even that.

Dean vaguely thinks he hears Cas explaining to his Mom what happened; hushed, clipped words heavy with grief, a safe distance away from Dean.

Dean's going through options in his head. Options of what he can do to give Mom her son back, to give Sam what he wanted so bad. It's so _loud_ , and he still hasn't said a single word. _Coward_. He's still taking point, even though he shouldn't, even though he's proved what little good that does.

>

It's not like they, his family, died while they were out of his reach. That's the kicker. It's always right in front of him. If Dean wasn't Dean, there'd been something he could've done. He needs to do something. So this never happens again. But real strength comes from within, or so they say. It would explain a lot. Like why he's stuck in this cycle with no way out.

Why his track's stuck on repeat, this track of weak, weak, weak.

>

Dean's poor stupid heart stops when he sees Sam again, and for a beat, he's convinced that this is it, he's lost his last marble. Then it registers what's behind Sam, and Dean sees red.

Thankfully, everyone's thinking faster than him.

After a one-armed hug, Dean resigns himself to posturing. To threatening glares. He leaves the real hugging and hovering to Sam's real mother. Keeps close, and keeps his distance. He still can't look any of them in the eye.

Sam keeps close to his Mom, to Jack, where he's happy, and safe. Dean keeps his shoulders high and tense, keeps his gun trained on the devil. The devil is not impressed. The devil _smiles_ at him, amused. Makes a quip about him having swallowed his tongue. Fucking _again_ , he's hurting Dean's family, and there's nothing he can do.

Sam goes to clean up, his Mom coming with him. Dean clutches his gun. It feels hollow and small, just like him. It's not loud anymore, in his head. Instead, it sounds like something ready to break.

>

It's later, when the adrenaline crashes, that Dean finally, finally throws up. Out of sight, behind a ramshackle cabin with a holey roof. He leans against the wall after, struggling to breathe and not let this spiral down into a panic attack. It hurts; his words are mostly back but his throat keeps getting tight, like there's a noose around it. Yanking him forward, stealing his air.

In a rare moment of lightheartedness, the others were smiling, laughing, _happy_ , when Dean slipped out the back door. Dean had tried to join in, but then he felt like such a fake, it made him sick.

He can't. He can't do it anymore, he _can't_.

But he has to.

“No...”

Dean's legs give out. He slumps forward, on his knees, eyes welling up. He can't lose any of them again, he can't do it.

“Please.”

Nothing but his own harsh breaths in his ears. He's got to get back to the others. There'd be no way to explain this without dying of shame.

Dean's throat goes tight and full again, and he leans forward against the wall, head hung low.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> not super happy with how this one turned out, so i'd be extra grateful if you left me a comment!!!
> 
> find me on tumblr at [cuddlemonsterdean](http://cuddlemonsterdean.tumblr.com/)
> 
> poetry at the beginning is my own


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